Written By Mama

Saturday, September 22nd, 2012. That’s a day I will never forget. That’s the day my husband suddenly passed away. I will never forget the phone call.

I’m not sure what to say or how to say it. I’ve gone over it numerous times a day in my head, but nothing seemed like the right thing to say…so I’m going to wing it.

As most of you know, Cody and I separated about a month ago, now. Things were getting better, as we were both working on ourselves and trying to figure out what we could do to make ourselves a better spouse. We had discussed numerous times what we were going to do and finally Cody decided he was going to go to counseling. Then after a few appointments, we were going to go to marriage counseling. Our final discussion about this was on the Wednesday before he passed. We were going to do this for ourselves, each other and Landon.
We had a great conversation Friday night. He told me about his weekend plans and we shared “I love you’s.”

This week has been the fastest and slowest week of my life. I never imagined things would be like this. I don’t think anyone can imagine the pain of losing a loved one, until you do.

By the time Wednesday got here, it was time for me to decide what I was going to do for a burial. Seriously just 4 days after his death, I had to make that decision. Cody and I never really talked about it – why would we? We had forever, right?

So after a lot of thinking and talking with his mom & aunt, we decided to get Cody cremated. That way he could be buried in the Veteran’s State Cemetery and scattered in Alaska, where he spent many, many years of his life. It was no easy decision.

I got to view Cody on Wednesday. It was the best decision I’ve ever made. I received a little closure. I still have a lot of guilt and pain and sadness inside me about this situation. I don’t think that will ever go away. My only regret is not staying with him longer.

Then the day came that I had to pick up his ashes. I thought the hard part was over; but walking into the funeral home and seeing that box, knowing it was him, was truly the hardest moment so far. After many days of thinking, I’ve decided to get a Memorial Urn Wind-chime – that way even though he’s in all the places he wants to be, I can always have him near me.

As I’m typing this, it’s making my head foggy. It’s almost sickening that I’m even talking about “splitting him up.” It’s reality though. It’s a reality, that at 23 years of age, I never thought I would have to deal with.

Then I was told, “Take time now for you to figure out your new normal.” The world just keeps moving…and I have to move with it.

It happened so fast and so soon. It really goes to show, you have no idea what tomorrow brings.
So tonight, no matter where your loved ones are, tell them you love them. Hug them if you can. You never know what tomorrow will bring.

I will be away for about a week or 2, but I will have guest posts and someone helping me manage the blog. Thank you all for understanding. I’ll be back soon.

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